Babies. Not in my marriage dream.

I can't say I've always wanted to be married. I definitely can't say I really ever wanted to plan a wedding. I always thought I'd grow old with a dog by my side and not much else. I was fine with that vision. Then I met Jared, and I was thinking of our wedding within 2 weeks of meeting him. Then I realized that all I wanted was him. I realized that I couldn't wait to have a marriage with him, not just a wedding. My whole thought process changed. Love was wonderful! Love was for me! Marriage was for me! Growing old with someone was definitely for me! Then the daydreams started happening: wedding colors, buying a house with him, buying a boat with him (b/c everyone needs a boat), traveling with him, visiting friends and family with him. But then, something surprising happened. Babies would enter my daydreams periodically, especially because most of our friends have kids now and it's just something that you "do" after you get married. I started thinking if I wanted babies with him. Did I?

Being child-free (not child-less) is a decision I made for myself long ago. I have a million and one reasons for it, and I find new ways to add to that list often. So one requirement of mine in dating and trying to find "the one" was that he would also remain child-free and be understanding to the fact that I do not want children.

In meeting Jared, I've found a man who is more or less undecided about kids. He says he wants one "one day" but also says he'd honestly be happy with or without a child of his own. And he's also said that IF we do change our minds, we will adopt. I've always said, even as a kid, that I would adopt one day, and even in my years of being CF, I always told myself that that is the only way I'd yield on my decision. So the fact that Jared is willing to go through that process, which may or may not happen, says so much about him and how open-minded he is, I think. That's one big reason I love him.

I am a firm believer that a marriage will not last if two people are not on the same page about that decision. I do believe it's the biggest decision to make in a marriage. So I've been 100% honest with Jared since day one about my decision, and he's always supported it. Still though, when we go through marriage counseling before the wedding, that will be another thing we touch on. Definitely. For many, though, marriage does equal babies, and many dream of a family to go along with their marriage. I am not unsupportive of that wish in the least. That's just not my marriage dream.

I became an aunt for the first time in November 2009.  Jared became an uncle again in April 2010. We both love our nephews to bits and so far, even though babies do dirty things and make loud noises that neither of us know how to deal with so much, we love being an aunt and uncle. And a lot of my friends have kids now too. My best friend, actually, is having her first baby (a girl!) any day now. I'm an aunt by blood to just a nephew, but I'm an aunt in spirit to quite a few nieces, and I love them all so much.  They're all so fun and sweet and beautiful.

So I'm not anti-kid, contrary to how many people see us CFers. Have babies! Lots of them! Sure! I'll buy you baby shower gifts and demand pictures of your kid. Kids are cute! I want to play with them and buy them things and be the fun aunt. But the mother gene is just not in me. I often wish many would understand that, as most people gasp at the thought of my never bearing children. There's pressure from others and the feeling of "catching up" to those around me who are having kids. But I know in my heart what's right for me, and I'm going to make sure my marriage will be happy and successful even without having a child.

So now, I dream of the days that Jared and I will open our little dog-friendly cafe and serve sandwiches and coffee to people on their laptops, while we save up to go on a trip to Greece or Spain or Italy or wherever the wind wants to take us next, and then come home to our quaint little house that is smaller than the boat we'll buy and love on the dogs we will have. What city we live in, however old we are when we get there, however long it takes for us to open that little cafe, all that doesn't matter because we'll be together and we'll be happy with just each other. That's my marriage dream.

Shoes. Oh shoes.

I'm not a huge fan of shoes other than flip flops. I've always said I'm going to get married in flip flops. But, thanks to the trend of having different-colored shoes under your wedding dress, I'm gooing to get married in heels, dammit. Green heels. That is, if I can find them.

The thing is, though, Jared is just 5'4". I'm 5'0". I don't want to be taller than he is that day. I don't even want to become close to looking like I'm teetering on the brink of passing him up. It's a protective thing...I like my men to be men! And his being taller makes me feel protected, even if he's a little guy. So, conundrum!

It's hard enough finding green heels as it is. That's what I've noticed. It's harder still finding green heels that I can afford. And even harder still(er) is that I have to find GREEN heels that are CHEAP and ones that DONT make me taller than Jared.

So here are some ones I like:

A little too business-y.

A little plain, though

A little Carrie Bradshaw

So close, but not completely what I'm looking for. Especially at $80 a pair. No thanks. Not for one day (b/c I can promise I won't wear them after that, though I'll feel obligated to).

Then there are these, whcih I will probably end up going with:

SO cute and would be pretty much perfect, as they are wedges, which I prefer over heels, and they're not that tall, and the color is perfect. But I'm too cheap still to spend $60 on shoes. How does anyone afford to have a shoe addiction!? I can't even bring myself to spend more than $30 on shoes. Then again, I'm cheap. Admittedly very cheap. But I digress.

I REALLY love these shoes, but they are so far from what I am requiring for myself to wear on my wedding day.

But that'd make me girlier than I'd like to admit

These too.

So there you have it. My shoe conundrum. Of course, there's always the Dyables route...but I'd feel obligated to wear those too later. And they can get costly.

Damn you, shoes. You made me a girly woman.

Ahh the nightmares...

I had my first official "nightmare" of the wedding last night. And whaddayknow? It came the same night I started my wedding blog. And my first thought after I woke up was not that I hope my wedding doesn't turn into what I just dreamed about...no, it was "This is so going in my blog."  Win.

A bit of a backstory before I say what my dream was. My parents are divorced, have been since I was a baby. And though I love both of them, my relationship with each of them is very strained. I'm not having my dad walk me down the aisle, and neither of my parents, though they will be there, will not have much of a role in the wedding. And they are civil to each other, thankfully, as much as they dislike each other in some form.

Ok, now the dream.

I dreamt that my dad was walking me down and my mom was PISSED that he was. She stood up when we started walking and screamed "JOE!" (dad's name) in a demon sort of voice. Dad immediately sat down in a chair, leaving me by myself. I stood there, unsure of what to do, till I realized I didn't have my bouquet. I asked dad to get it and he said "I'm not comfortable here" and refused to move. I dug my bouquet out of a box, only to realize my mom was yelling and yelling by the time the wedding was to officially start. Come to think of it, I never did get married in my dream.

So, I know this isn't anything that could come even remotely close to happening, but it was enough to wake me up and make me think to blog it.

My comfort was that, though he wasnt in my dream, Jared would put a stop to anything like that happening, even if I couldn't. He's protective like that, luckily.

So any nightmares that I have up until April, even very far-fetched ones, I need not worry. But still, that was uncomfortable.

Welcome to the apathy.

Even uncaring brides care about their boobs in a dress.

So I'm sure the first thing you'll ask is, "Why the glum title?" Well, the answer is simple. Weddings are not me. Wedding planning is especially not me. And I'm sure the next question you'll ask is, "Why the H are you even having a wedding?" and/or "Why don't you just elope?" That answer is simple too. Because I love my fiance and want pretty pictures. I love pictures. Really love pictures. Ok, part of me wants the dress. What girl doesn't want the dress? A tomboy maybe, which is what I've always considered myself. But even still, wedding dresses are pretty. And I must say, in the course of this wedding planning "journey," I've discovered that I look damn good in wedding dresses. So there.

The apathy, though, comes from not caring about normal things that many brides care about: centerpieces, wedding shoes, the ribbon on the cake matching the color of the bridesmaids' dresses. I'm sure all of that matters a lot to lots of brides, but I try to live my life with a "grand scheme of things" outlook. Will anyone remember the exact hues of the ribbon compared to the bridesmaids' dresses? No, really probably not. Hence, I don't worry about it. Correction: I don't care about it. I probably won't remember either anyway. And I also don't think that my wedding photographs will have a strip of the bridesmaids' dresses lying next to the cake ribbon for comparison. Hence apathy. Gotta love apathy! It saves on the Bridezilla cliche. That's always nice, I'm sure.

There are things I care about though, for sure. For one. abso-fricken-lutely no pink in my wedding. No exceptions. I'm a girl, but pink is a goofy and stereotypical color (and I'm sure I'll eventually share about my stereotype phobia). My fiance is not a girl, so he doesn't need a pink wedding either. Why all the pink out there? I want to let my fiance keep his man-card, and with a pink and cheetah cake, he can't really be all man. So no pink. No animal print either.

Another thing I care about: drunk-asses. I don't want drunk asses at my wedding either. It's a brunch wedding, and if you are able to get wasted on mimosas and sangria in a short amount of time, I'm not sure I want you there. Save the drunken stupors for club night or sorority rushes. Not for our wedding, please.

The biggest thing I care about: I must, MUST, have pretty pictures! Oh, how I love pictures. I could scroll through photography wedding blogs all day long. I love seeing wedding photographers on my Facebook post blog updates with their pictures. I want pictures that are worthy of appearing on someone else's blog with the caption "OMG HOW CA-YUTE. What a great idea/shot/picture/smile/dress/etc!" That's my dream. Write it down.

Not to mention that pictures are what hold the memories in tact. I may be old and senile one day, and I want to remember how great we looked on our wedding day. I want to remember the expression on his face when he first sees me, or what we looked like during our first dance, or if my bridesmaids' dresses matched the ribbon on the cake, but Alzheimer's may prevent that. Cue the pictures!

So I can't call myself completely apathetic. I want nice memories, and drunk asses, pink flowers, and kids (more on them later) may not allow me to have those. But pictures will. Even if I end up decking a drunk uncle.

Cheers!