Friday, July 30, 2010

Babies. Not in my marriage dream.

I can't say I've always wanted to be married. I definitely can't say I really ever wanted to plan a wedding. I always thought I'd grow old with a dog by my side and not much else. I was fine with that vision. Then I met Jared, and I was thinking of our wedding within 2 weeks of meeting him. Then I realized that all I wanted was him. I realized that I couldn't wait to have a marriage with him, not just a wedding. My whole thought process changed. Love was wonderful! Love was for me! Marriage was for me! Growing old with someone was definitely for me! Then the daydreams started happening: wedding colors, buying a house with him, buying a boat with him (b/c everyone needs a boat), traveling with him, visiting friends and family with him. But then, something surprising happened. Babies would enter my daydreams periodically, especially because most of our friends have kids now and it's just something that you "do" after you get married. I started thinking if I wanted babies with him. Did I?

Being child-free (not child-less) is a decision I made for myself long ago. I have a million and one reasons for it, and I find new ways to add to that list often. So one requirement of mine in dating and trying to find "the one" was that he would also remain child-free and be understanding to the fact that I do not want children.

In meeting Jared, I've found a man who is more or less undecided about kids. He says he wants one "one day" but also says he'd honestly be happy with or without a child of his own. And he's also said that IF we do change our minds, we will adopt. I've always said, even as a kid, that I would adopt one day, and even in my years of being CF, I always told myself that that is the only way I'd yield on my decision. So the fact that Jared is willing to go through that process, which may or may not happen, says so much about him and how open-minded he is, I think. That's one big reason I love him.

I am a firm believer that a marriage will not last if two people are not on the same page about that decision. I do believe it's the biggest decision to make in a marriage. So I've been 100% honest with Jared since day one about my decision, and he's always supported it. Still though, when we go through marriage counseling before the wedding, that will be another thing we touch on. Definitely. For many, though, marriage does equal babies, and many dream of a family to go along with their marriage. I am not unsupportive of that wish in the least. That's just not my marriage dream.

I became an aunt for the first time in November 2009.  Jared became an uncle again in April 2010. We both love our nephews to bits and so far, even though babies do dirty things and make loud noises that neither of us know how to deal with so much, we love being an aunt and uncle. And a lot of my friends have kids now too. My best friend, actually, is having her first baby (a girl!) any day now. I'm an aunt by blood to just a nephew, but I'm an aunt in spirit to quite a few nieces, and I love them all so much.  They're all so fun and sweet and beautiful.

So I'm not anti-kid, contrary to how many people see us CFers. Have babies! Lots of them! Sure! I'll buy you baby shower gifts and demand pictures of your kid. Kids are cute! I want to play with them and buy them things and be the fun aunt. But the mother gene is just not in me. I often wish many would understand that, as most people gasp at the thought of my never bearing children. There's pressure from others and the feeling of "catching up" to those around me who are having kids. But I know in my heart what's right for me, and I'm going to make sure my marriage will be happy and successful even without having a child.

So now, I dream of the days that Jared and I will open our little dog-friendly cafe and serve sandwiches and coffee to people on their laptops, while we save up to go on a trip to Greece or Spain or Italy or wherever the wind wants to take us next, and then come home to our quaint little house that is smaller than the boat we'll buy and love on the dogs we will have. What city we live in, however old we are when we get there, however long it takes for us to open that little cafe, all that doesn't matter because we'll be together and we'll be happy with just each other. That's my marriage dream.

1 comment:

  1. ok, seriously....if I lived where you lived we would so be friends (or try to be!). I have also decided to be child-free in my life.