Monday, August 9, 2010

Groomal Baths

We all know the bride gets a shower. But what does the groom get?

These women are in for some shower fun!
The bridal shower is a chance for a bunch of women to gather around and play a couple of corny games (like not crossing your legs, or seeing how many pieces of gum the bride can chew to see how many children they'll have) and watch the bride-to-be open presents, all usually while putting all the bows on a little paper plate and making the bride wear it as a hat or carry it as a bouquet at the rehearsal. There's a lot of oohing and aahing at kitchenware and a couple of red faces as the bride opens up lingerie and has to show it, usually, to the groom's mom at some point. They also usually get a lot of things that can be used for the house (mostly kitchen things, b/c we all know that's where a woman belongs!).

Well, what do the guys get? Screwed, if you ask me! We want equality among genders, don't we? We women demanded bachelorette parties (which, though now mainstream, is still not recognized as a word by SpellCheck). We took the last night of freedom away from guys and demanded our own! We wanted a chance for penis cakes and feathered tiaras that say "Bride to be!" or "Bachelorette!" and go on scavenger hunts for a lock of a random man's hair or a picture of the maid of honor getting kissed by a bartender, all while the bride gets obliterated and throws up in a toilet all night. Makes for good Facebook pictures!

Those aren't MY boobies!
The guys, though entitled to the bachelor parties, usually get together with each other and drink. Maybe see some strippers (but insist that "nothing" happened with them), and the bride-to-be usually gets upset that he saw boobies that weren't her own.

The men are not coming out on top here.

So I'm making a point to attempt to change the face of etiquette as we know it. I present to you the idea of the Groomal Bath (and curse you, Google, for coming up with search terms to show that my fiance and I are NOT the creators of this new term).

Oh yes. Someone please do this.
Here's what will go down at a groomal bath. The men get together. They drink some beer. Play a couple of games (poker or something similar. Or even pin-the-boob-on-the-model, if there is such a invention? YES). Then the gifts! Yes, the men should have gifts. But they have to be as stereotypical and sexist as the gifts at a bridal shower. Wrap up a hammer or a fishing pole (out of the case, please, as to make it very obvious what it is. Just because that's funny) and give it to the groom-to-be. Let the men ooh and aah at that, but please, guys, keep the competition to a minimum (no telling the groom that your hammer is bigger than his). Eat some finger sandwiches (or better yet, a 6-foot-long sub) and be on your way.

I just changed humanity forever. Now we're all equal. Write it up, Emily Post.

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