It's no secret that I'm a difficult partner. I'm high-maintenance and pushy and stubborn and sometimes downright mean. But the upside to that is that I always take responsibility for my actions, and I apologize once I recognize that I was in the wrong for any bad behaviour. Now if I could just recognize how to NOT be mean before I actually am mean, so as to bypass any amends-making.
I'm very high-maintenance as well. Jared and I were watching When Harry met Sally one day and there's a scene that Jared just loves to scream "THAT'S SO YOU!" when it's on:
Harry, to Sally, while watching Casablanca together: Oh Ingrid Bergman. Now she's low-maintenance.
Sally: Low -maintenance?
Harry: An LM, definitely.
Sally: Which one am I?
Harry: You're the worst kind. You're high-maintenance but you think you're low-maintenance.
Jared loves to throw that one at me. But it's totally true. I love to think I'm laid back and easy going but I'm not. Something is always wrong, and I thrive on problems and drama, so starting fights is a common thing for me. But the thing is, now that I've had 3 years of consistent 12-step programming, I now recognize when I'm being ridiculous and fighting just to fight. And then I apologize. And Jared says it's ok that I'm like that because I always recognize my crazy and apologize for it, so that's why he doesn't fight back or give me the pleasure of the drama.
So right now we're in that relationship-state where we're not fighting, like, at all. Everything is blissful and enjoyable. And I like us like that. I like when nothing is wrong and when I am not trying to find things that are wrong. And if I am, he's very good about putting me in my place. Thank God for that, truly.
Right now, because of this state we're in, we're very lovey-dovey and cheesy with each other. Like we can't cuddle enough and we can't stop thinking of each other. And the random texts of "I LOVE YOUUUUUU" and immediate cuddling when getting home from work are amazing. And last night when I was suffering from a migraine and nausea and wanted to die, Jared was so sweet and just came and sat in the bathroom with me while I sat in a tub of cold water and moaned about dying. It's like we can't be away from each other for even two seconds because we then miss each other.
Now, granted, it's TV and TV is fake, but Jared and I, I can tell, are on our way to that level, and I'm so excited about that. I love that we can't get enough of each other, and though I have major intimacy issues, his patience and overwhelming love for me are getting me through that, and even those "tender" moments are getting better and better.
So that's what I am excited about with our upcoming marriage: times like this that are guaranteed for the rest of our lives. I know we'll go through hard times, just like we sometimes do now, but I'm not scared of those, because I know what we have and what we can get back to. Wedding or not, I can't wait to be his wife one day. I absolutely can't wait.